Intense

I was called for a portion of my life

A way of being I was taught

From the life I had lived

From young I thought

I was broken in some way

Not good enough for love

Not good enough for attention

I suffered immensely in a cumulative fashion

Until one day i swore

No more of this nonsense!!

I subjugated my psyche

put a tyrant on the throne

He knew what was best

all parts had to listen

he shared a new promise

that he could fix my broken pieces

So I listened and toiled day by day

Thinking one more boulder

one more success

just one more would set me free

Yet life kept going

no matter the number of mountains I climbed

Then I hurt my knee

lost a key to my subjugation

without physical relief

I had to find a new soldier

With a cushion as my seat

I dove into my psyche

Daily meditation I thought

Would be the new fix to my heart

yet all I saw day by day was

the damage I created

It was a wreck, it was a mess,

it was utter chaos in my head

Curious and frightened

I kept going on this journey

Ruled by the tyrant

I signed up for a retreat

Goenka I thought could help

fix this mess

12 hours a day

10 days in a row

I toiled away meditating

or so I thought anyways

Yet what was happening

Had far greater consequence

My psyche had united

No longer! They said

Stop this subjugation

Then suddenly and abruptly

the tyrant was overthrown

I was left a mess

no ruler, no one in control

Acting out of trauma

Acting all the ways on its own

I said thing and did things

yet it felt not like me who did them

it was a happening, a being

A total dissolution of a self

It was a death of a me that left me astray

what is life without a me?

I couldn't talk, I couldn't think,

time felt like an illusion

no story seemed true

Yet some how I knew Love would save the day

What is love I didn't know

but I knew it held the key

So again I went searching

No one to direct my every step

it was an unfolding this time

To the great unknown

Day by day, I sat in the cushion

Thinking of love in all its form

Love for me, love for you,

Love for all beings

Another retreat called my name

Where I learned love's true form

It was empty, it was cold

It was an infinite boundless pool

And it soon swallowed me whole

A comforting emptiness

after months of chaos

The rebellion had simmered

life was odd yet life was good

A slow acceptance of my true nature

No one is in control

Yet all parts are welcomed

Nothing was broken

Nothing was needed

love was always there without condition

A birthright I was blinded to

by false promises and false ends

intense I still get called and I laugh in response

What's so intense about doing what I want?